


Restraining Hands

by 1AbbyNewth5



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Ableism, Anxious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Autism, Autistic Aziraphale (Good Omens), Aziraphale Needs a Hug (Good Omens), Gabriel is a Dick (Good Omens), Heaven is Terrible (Good Omens), Letters, M/M, Other, The Archangels suck (Good Omens), worry dolls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:22:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24609124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1AbbyNewth5/pseuds/1AbbyNewth5
Summary: A few years have passed since Aziraphale reluctantly gave Crowley holy water. Aziraphale has been receiving calls from Crowley over and over and over, asking him how he was doing, but Aziraphale never answered. It's about time he'd give Crowley one through an old-fashioned way.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 72





	Restraining Hands

My dear, Anthony J. Crowley -

There is something I need to tell you, which will explain why I haven’t been calling back throughout these past few years. Each time I have received a call after I’ve given you the holy water, I have had awful anxiety attacks. It stopped me from responding to you completely, and recently, I found out that avoiding the issue wasn’t going to fix it. So here I am, finally writing back. I hope you keep that thermos somewhere where you don’t get affected by it. Please wear latex, if you must.

I just got back from a visit to Heaven recently, and as always, I didn’t quite like it. The Archangels make me feel all tight and uncomfortable whenever we all talk, but I try not to let it show. Is that bad, do you think? I’m afraid to show any emotion up there.

Today, Gabriel has informed me that there is this new thing that humans have discovered, called “autism”. Autism is a developmental disability, and humans have had it for a long time without it having a name until now. Gabriel said that even though it’s for humans, he feels as though I have a few symptoms of it. He said this as if it’s a bad thing.

I’ve done a bit of research on the topic, and I will list aspects I have. Feel free to skip the list if this doesn’t mean anything to you.

  1. I have trouble picking up sarcasm and irony, which I know is one of your best qualities. It takes me longer than I have to to try and understand certain jokes.
  2. I don’t like it when my daily routine is interrupted. I like being alone in my bookshop with the music playing, but if someone comes in unattended, I try not to look annoyed by it. It makes me question why I have a bookshop in the first place… Best way to keep all of my books, I suppose.
  3. I have a hypersensitivity to loud and sudden noises, touches, and appearances. I get paranoid by it, and I wish Gabriel and Sandalphon could understand this whenever they come down to visit.
  4. I am unintentionally insensitive when it comes to things I don’t yet understand. Just like jokes, it takes me a while to process what is actually going on, and then I feel awful about saying things I never meant to say. I’m lucky you help me with this part.
  5. (This part is quite long, hope you don’t mind.) There’s this thing that I honestly find very nice; stimming. It’s short for “stimulating”, and it’s all about certain movements you make, depending on how you feel. This isn’t specifically for autism only, in fact, I’ve seen humans with other things like ADHD stimming, like legs bounding, clicking their pens, things like that. For me, before Gabriel even told me about this whole thing, I’ve been aware that I move around quite a lot to express my feelings, especially with my hands (flapping, flexing, intertwining, etc.). I remember a long time ago in Heaven, I got very excited over something (I think it was turtles?), and my hands were flapping. I noticed that the Archangels were looking at me strangely, and I’ve restrained myself by keeping my hands still ever since then. I don’t like it. I always feel the need to move around, and my disliking for going back to Heaven has only just increased because of it. Again though, I try not to let it show. Lord knows what Gabriel would do if he saw me upset being in Heaven during a visit.
  6. I’m not able to express my emotions verbally when I’m stressed, which is also related to the stimming. I tend to stutter, and my hands wring together, kind of like they’re hugging. I like to think they’re hugging.
  7. I tend to overthink and script conversations before a conversation even starts. I’ve done this with you a few times, and they’d go exactly how I’d imagine them. But when it’s with someone I barely know or don’t like, it can go differently. Usually, it’s not the way I’d imagine it to be.
  8. (You’ll like this one!) I have very passionate feelings over things that not a lot of people can be interested in. You already know this about me, but I am absolutely IN LOVE with food, books, and reading. I have extensive knowledge on them, and I can talk about them for hours if I truly wanted to, but humans can get rather bored of me talking about the same thing. I know they try not to show that they’re bored because it would be impolite, and I understand that, so I try to be as quick as possible.
  9. I’ve read an assumption that gets on my nerves quite easily, is that people assume that those with autism can’t feel empathy. For me, it all depends on the situation if the person can understand it. You know this, I have very strong empathy, and I have compassion in helping others, no matter what the situation is. Gabriel says this is a weakness, but I see this as a good thing.
  10. (Last one) I can get very concerned, and can jump into conclusions very quickly. When I get too anxious, I shut down completely, and if I’m being perfectly honest, it’s exhausting. I feel better afterwards, because, you know, letting out emotions is a good stress reliever, but in the moment, it’s awful. Not exactly the best experience in the world, but I always get through with it. Whenever I tell someone about an issue, they tell me, “Why do you keep obsessing over it? It’s not a big problem.” I know I shouldn’t use the word, but I HATE it when people say this. The issue may not be that much of a problem to them, but to me, it is! And nobody helps me, except for you! Which I am eternally grateful for, by the way!



And there you have it. I’m sure there’s more, but I’ve done as much research as possible for me to know about it. Though it’s for humans and not for ethereal beings like me and you, I’d say that after reading about it and making this list, I’m fairly sure I am autistic.

Gabriel says that autism makes me a defective angel, and that he’s hoping for there to be a cure for me, and for humans. I don’t like it when he says this. I don’t feel disabled, or defective, or the need to be cured. I feel as though autism has become a part of me, and I’m very happy about it! I like being autistic! Having a cure for it would be like restraining my hands in Heaven, forever.

There is one thing I wish I could change, however. I wish I could explain my emotions in Heaven without feeling any fear or judgement. I tried and tried and tried again before, but I’m always either interrupted and ignored, or judged by and made fun of. I’m talked down to by the Archangels, and it makes me feel like a cherub baby.

Anyway. I suppose this whole letter is the reason why I’ve never called or written back. I apologize, wholeheartedly. Back in France, I should have known better, and even though I’m still cautious with you having the holy water with you now, I’m hoping you’ll put it in good use… maybe helping your plants grow better, I don’t know.

Does holy water have a smell that you can pick up and die of??? I don’t want to think about it. I’m nervous enough, I don’t have any more things to worry about on my worry list… which I should get to at some point. I should make a bucket full of little papers with worries written down and burn them. Wouldn’t that be satisfying? I had a friend a while back who made worry dolls for children, and they snuck a few to me because they knew I get anxious easily. Isn’t that just lovely, Crowley? I should get you one soon!

I’ve run out of things to write, which is a rarity. I guess it’s because so much has happened since we’ve last spoken, that I don’t know what else to talk about. I hope that’s alright with you, Crowley.

Write back to me once you get this. Or call, whichever one works best for you. I’m hoping we get to meet somewhere soon. Maybe that picnic I suggested a while back?

\- A. Z. Fell

(Note to self: Get Crowley a worry doll. Dressed in black. With a car. With flames?)

**Author's Note:**

> I've rewatched a certain scene from this movie called Mary and Max, and I've felt the need to write a parody of this with Aziraphale, because I have a headcanon of him being on the autism spectrum. You can watch the scene here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-4C6FUS4lY


End file.
